Jesus said to the Apostles “Does this robe make me look fat?” It was a hot sunny day in the Middle East and the 13 of them were resting under a palm tree. Well actually there was only 12 of them under the tree. They always sent one to sit under a different palm tree far away from the group. This time it was Philip, well frankly it was always Philip. They said it was because it was unlucky to sit in a group of 13, but really it was just that nobody liked Philip. Simon Peter was the first to speak “Umm.. No you are skinny. We are all skinny. We are poor and skinny. Poor people are skinny that is just how these things work.” Simon Peter was so sumg Jesus just ignored him.
“Anyone else?” Jesus asked. John spoke up next “It makes you look skinny, but it makes you butt look big.” Jesus shot him an evil look. John corrected himself “I was joking. God, lord can’t you take a joke.” Jesus could talk a joke and he was deeply upset that John did not see the hilarious irony of giving him of all people an evil look. This was worse than when they didn’t get a parable. What was so fucking hard to understand about parables? Fucking fishermen! “No seriously,” said Jesus, “does this robe make me look fat?” “Are we talking like “PH” fat, like Phat? You know like phat as in cool, not fat as in obese?” Jesus said “Well, both I guess.” “Oh, then skinny and cool lord, skinny and cool.” replied Andrew.
“Shut up, Andrew,” said Jesus, “Come on someone tell me if I look fat, F-A-T” (Translator’s note: Jesus of couse did not speak English so that is not actually the letters he said. I just want to point that out as the only place I have deviated from an exact translation. Thank you.) “
I really don’t care Jesus.” said James. James was always the rebellious one, if he was not John’s brother he would have already been kicked out of the group. Jesus knew the day would probably come though so he already had Matthias lined up to replace him just in case. Jesus just sighed to himself this time and said in a rather harsh tone “Fine! Then why don’t you go over to the other palm tree with Philip and not care over there.” James put his sandals on and went to join Philip.
There was an awkward silence. James the Less spoke up because he could see that Jesus was upset and he wanted to prove that not all James are bad people. “Fat or not I think you look you look beautiful lord, you are the most handsome man I Have ever followed and well I just want to tell you that I love you. I just love you.” Jesus smiled. James the less always sounded like he wanted to suck his cock, and though Jesus defiantly didn’t swing that way, he found it funny how obvious it was.
“Thank you”, said Jesus, “but you still haven’t answered my question?” “I am starting to doubt that you even want an answer to this question at all!” said Thomas. Jesus just ignored him. He had learned this was the best way to deal with skepticism. Whenever someone accused you curing a shill from the audience or sorry you throw away the Kool-aid packet after turning water into “wine” it was best to just ignore it. People are going to believe what they want to believe, one day though Jesus would come up with a trick that would fool Thomas. He had something big planned. He had bribe city officials and everything, it was going to be quite the show. But that lay further down the road.
Simon Not Peter said “Yeah, well I pretty much agree with Simon Peter. ” He always did. He felt that the two Simons should show solidarity. It was the only way they could keep up with the James. Simon was mostly just glad Jesus came up with the whole thing of calling the other Simon “Rock” (Peter) because it kept him from being called “Simon the Less”, which was a horrible nickname if he had ever heard of one. “Come on who hasn’t spoken up yet?” asked Jesus.
Matthew and Judas look at one another from the other side of the shade. Judas gave a cunning smile. Matthew knew Judas knew something, but that he wasn’t going to say it until Matthew said his first. Matthew hated when Judas did this. Judas was always trying to make everyone look stupid. It was days like this when Matthew looked back on the simple days when he was a tax collector and everything was golden, literally. Seriously he made bank. His clothes, his house, and even his toothbrush, all of it was solid gold, none of that gold leaf bullshit. Well, his wife was only gold leaf but that was only because no one had invented gold sex robots yet. Matthew had sold that all now all to follow some dirty jew bastard with the smooth talking words. Elaborate promises were made, but it turns out that shit only pays off after you are dead. Matthew knew a thing or two about scams but he knew enough to keep him mouth shut.
“I am gonna go with yes.” said Matthew. “Oh, why is that?” Asked Jesus. “Oh, just to be different, I guess.” replied Matthew. “
Right” said Jesus an air of disappointment about his voice, “alright, Judas what do you think?”. “Of course, they make you look fat,” said Judas, “There louse fitted clothing. Besides, you are wearing horizontal stripes that always make people look fat.” “Oh Judas,” said Jesus, “you kill me sometimes you know that. Your honesty, it just kills me.” With that Jesus smiled, he then made the announcement that he would be spending sometime in the desert alone and not to follow him, he would be back in about a month or so give or take 10 days and obviously the same amount of nights.
The meeting adjourned and everyone slowly left and went their separate ways leaving Jesus alone under the palm tree. It was evening and the sunset looked beautiful over the desert. Jesus got up and started walking towards it. He hadn’t told them about his date with the devil; for fear that they would get jealous or that they would think he was gay. It is not like fallen angels have genders any more than any other angles. Also, Satan always took on the form of that which you find most tempting, and there was nothing Jesus liked more than a red head with a firm ass and a large rack. Jesus had heard that Satan was into fat guys. That was the only reason he had asked earlier. I mean it is not like Satan would fuck anyone, even if they were King of the Jews.
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