The Gospel According to Jake Chapter 5:1-76

Jospeh was teaching the young Jesus one day in the wood shop. Jesus hadn’t wanted to learn about wood craft. “Come on I am the son of god when am I going to have build cabinets?”, he had argued. “I don’t plan on staying in one place long enough to even have a kitchen. I plan on wondering the dessert. I will have people for that sort of thing. If I even want to throw a party I will just steal someone else food and multiply it.”

“Everyone needs something to fall back on.” Joseph insisted. “What if this whole savor thing doesn’t work out? I am not going to have no free loading son. You will learn how to work.”

“Step son.” Jesus corrected him. He wasn’t sure why but he never really respected Joseph. It was probably because he never fucked Jesus’s mother. How can you respect a man who never slips his old lady the sausage between the thighs? To be honest it bothered Joseph as well. Anytime someone called his wife the Virgin Mary his heart broke a little. She wasn’t really a virgin. She had a child, children come from sex. He didn’t care how immaculate the fertilization was, he called it sex. Though he hadn’t actually checked he was pretty sure that she had lost her hymen, sure it probably happened in child birth but that still counts. He didn’t even understand why it was so imperative that his wife remain a virgin anymore. She was used up, unless God wanted to have more kids. Joseph hoped that he didn’t one was enough. He had stocked up on coat hangers just in case.

“Whatever,” replied Joseph, “You live under my roof and eat my food. Your mother is my wife. Forgive me for being presumptuous. ”

“You woudn’t have any of those things if it wasn’t for my Dad.” said Jesus.

“Well, I just consider it child support. Forgive me for feeling entitled.”

“You are forgiven.”

Joseph hated when Jesus did that. Having a child that can absolve sins had really ruined that saying.

“Alright then if you are done saving my soul let get to work on these cabinets.” said Joseph.

“I haven’t even started saving your soul yet Step-dad. You just wait and see.”

“Less bragging more carpentering. ”

“My dad would ever carpenter things. He would just will some into existence, or make them out of mud, but only if he had to.”

“Well, you are not your Dad.”

“Actually, I kind of am. Do you want me to explain it to you again?”

“No thanks.”

Raising the son of god and not being able to fuck your wife really make one not care to hear how wonderful and magical the guy is. I mean what is so special about God where he refuses to give a woman’s husband his rightfully earned sloppy seconds? Joseph had used this argument many times with Mary, but she would never change her position. She wouldn’t even give him a fucking blow job. What the fuck was up with that? She would always say “I am sure if God wanted us to do those dirty things he would have mentioned it or sent an angel or something.” Because she had spoken to god dontcha know and people who speak to God don’t do those things unless God tells them to. Joseph asked her if she would ask, but she said she wouldn’t. “He is the all being, all knowing, all present master of time, space, and creation, I don’t want to be a bother. Surely he has enough to worry about. ” Joseph had prayed about it, and learned that prays go unanswered which is an answer in and of itself. He had tricked her into touching it once and he had to sleep on the couch for a month. That wasn’t as bad as the time he tried to convince her to watch him masturbate. She told him that if he wasn’t careful, she would have God make a rule against that sort of thing and then he wouldn’t be allowed to do it at all.

His marriage was a sham. They were glorified roommates raising the son of god together. He had considered divorce many times but every time he did an Angel would show up in his dreams. Apparently, God doesn’t believe in divorce, and if Joseph though his life was bad now just wait a see what would happen if he talked Mary into a “Trail Seperation”, God would cut his fucking dick off if he tried some pussy shit like that. At least that is what the Angel said, could the Angle be lying to him? He didn’t really know too much about these things, and didn’t want to find out. The Angel would then remind him what a horror it was to raise the king of kings, the alpha and the omega. And the Angel didn’t want to ruin the surprise but the was a big reward in it for Joseph if he could just hang in there a little bit longer, 33 more years at most.  Joseph had heard rumors that this big reward was something like 72 virgins, but knowing his luck he bet they wouldn’t put out either.

In away though, Joseph felt sorry for Jesus. If God was so hard on his bitch’s husband imagine who hard he would be on his bastard son. Joseph had been lucky enough to go around the block a few times before he decided to settle down and God took a personal interest in his sex life. Jesus would probably never have sex, Big Father in the sky would never allow it.  Probably couldn’t even masturbate if he wanted to. For a divine being, Jesus certainly wasn’t well endowed. It wasn’t a micropenis, but it was nothing to be proud of. Jesus was also deluded enough to think he could make a living in public speaking. This kid who couldn’t even get a passing grade in Arabic class was going to inspire people? He only told this stupid stories that never made sense. He certainly couldn’t be a carpenter. He just didn’t have a knack for it. Pretty much the only  thing he could make was a lower case “t” out of two long planks and who could ever think of a use for that?  Somehow Joseph had managed to sell his son’s experiment to some gullible romans by telling them it was a method for capital punishment. Joseph would really have a laugh if he walked by a hill some day and saw some poor sap nailed to one of those “t”s. That would be the day. Joseph thought about that and smiled a bit and he was finally in a good enough mood to get down to some wood work.

“Come on,” said Joseph to Jesus “I will show you how to make a dove tail joint, you like doves don’t you. Hopefully you won’t lose any fingers this time. Last time it took you hours to reattach them and you hardly got one board planed.”